Lapsus Linguae
by Vaecordia
Summary: In which Alfred and Ivan forget they're in the company of humans. (Fluff, no warnings.)


Based on the prompt: "If you're still taking requests, RusAme, anything domestic, with them out and about getting to do Normal Human Stuff, but still kinda unable to shake that they're nations? Any genre and length is perfect!"

This is unabashed fluff and the two of them being complete dorks.

* * *

"Ivan, come _on_ , you don't want to be stuck here all day!"

"As long as I am here with-"

"That isn't gonna work because - _trust me_ \- you don't wanna be here all day. You really don't," Alfred clarified as Ivan fiddled with his phone. "We can go inside the mall and then you can take advantage of the free wifi to send an answer."

Ivan pocketed the device before extending an arm ahead of him. "Lead the way, Mr. Jones."

Alfred hastily grabbed his wrist and began leading the both of them to the mall, Alfred listing off every item he needed to buy. Ivan barely listened, having heard the list a total of seven and a half times - with multiple edits - since landing in D.C. Alfred was about halfway through the list when they arrived, before turning to Ivan to gauge his initial reaction.

Ivan had never been in an American 'mall', but Alfred had described them to him enough times that he knew that they were extravagant. Though he hadn't been actually prepared for a four-floor extravaganza such as this.

"Well?" Alfred asked, and Ivan sent him a questioning look. "First impressions, big guy, whatcha think?"

"Ah - this is…" Ivan thought of how to describe this. "It is very like you."

Alfred looked like he was trying to decide what to think of that, and seemed to find himself happy with the comment. "I'll take that as a compliment, now let's go, we don't have all day."

It wasn't long before Alfred had dragged Ivan into fifty different shops, and Ivan could only imagine what Alfred's credit card bill would look like. New Halloween decorations, clothes and even food (Alfred _was_ the driving force of the trip to the mall, after all, so food was mandatory) were packed into several bags, Ivan having to carry many of Alfred's (he only had a single one for himself, and that only because Alfred had deemed him in need of a new, all-American suit - ironically enough, it was a Burberry suit).

They had been there for hours, and Ivan was glad when Alfred suggested taking a break in the food court. After having gotten themselves sodas and - after Alfred complained about almost starving himself without noticing - something to snack on, they weaved through the tables and people in the court.

Alfred stopped abruptly, and Ivan noticed him waving at someone - who, he had no idea. He saw no-one he could recognise.

"Come on, let's go greet them!"

Apparently Alfred had said who 'they' were, but Ivan hadn't heard him. Ivan only followed Alfred to the table where two young men, one with Caucasian features, the other with relatively Eastern features - around Alfred's apparent age - were seated.

Alfred immediately bounded up to them with their tray in his hands, having started chattering away with one of them already. It was clear Alfred knew this man well, Ivan could notice how comfortable he was around him. The other man was still seated and more silent, so Ivan gathered this was either a friend or boyfriend that Alfred had not yet met.

As he approached, Alfred turned to him and nodded him over. "Andie, this is Ivan, the boyfriend I told you about. He looks scarier than he is," Alfred laughed, and Ivan had half a mind to retort before he remembered they were in the company of people. "Ivan, this is Andrew, he's an intern at the White House."

When Andrew didn't look at Alfred, he mouthed _'norm'_.

So that was the play. Alfred's go-to was that he was Junior Assistant to the President, or something along those lines, and Ivan was ready to play along.

"Hello," Ivan said, extending his hand to the young man - 'Andrew' - before Andrew then introduced his companion.

"Nice to meet ya, Fred's told me quite a bit about you," Andrew said, and Alfred muttered a _no, I haven't_ before Andrew continued. "This is my boyfriend, Daniel. Alfred's been… he helped me a lot when I first came to the White House."

Alfred turned to Ivan. "He was afraid that with the new boss and his… er… points of view, that Andrew wouldn't be able to easily include himself in the work. Luckily, I'm gay too, so I told him to just ignore whatever the boss thinks because he's only there for four years," Ivan heard the undertones of _'if even that'_ , "and hopefully we're there to stay a bit longer."

"Do you guys wanna sit or…?"

Alfred looked around him. "Well I can't see that there's a lot of space to sit, so if you guys don't mind we'd be happy to hang out for a bit." Alfred said as he and Andrew sat down, Ivan soon following suit.

Andrew turned to Ivan. "So you're from Russia, right?" Ivan acquiesced, and Andrew continued. "What do you do there? Alfred said something government-related, that you met at a diplomatic meeting or something?"

Ivan nodded with an amused look aimed at Alfred. "Yes, we met when our Foreign Minister met with your boss, I was involved in coordinating the press and public appearances."

"Oh, right. I've also thought about doing public relations and stuff, but haven't decided yet. Although because I have a degree in international relations I think I'll end up somewhere else," Andrew laughed. "What's it like?"

Ivan really had very little idea what dealing with organising the press was like. He rarely cared enough to know how it was done, just that it was done with as little fuss as possible. "Busy," he answered quickly, and he saw Alfred's unimpressed look.

"He's not too chatty," Alfred pointed out.

"You compensate enough for the both of us, Alfred," Ivan jabbed, and Andrew laughed. Alfred rolled his eyes, before turning to Daniel.

Pleasantries and basics exchanged, Alfred had managed to drag everyone into a whirlpool of embarrassing, incredible or otherwise unbelievable experiences and random bits of trivia of the relationship of the two countries (both political, and the one that the two humans were unaware of).

"No, no, no, you've got it all wrong," Alfred shook his head, and set his hand on the table authoritatively. "The reset button wasn't an embarrassing mistake, the misspelling was the fault of Russia-ah-ans who decided to mess with the government and give them the wrong translation," Alfred explained, and Ivan scoffed.

"Blaming American impotence on Russia, how very typical," Ivan countered.

"How do you-" Andrew started asking, but luckily Alfred gave him no time to ask as he threw himself into another story.

"I plenty take care of my own mistakes, when they're _mine_ ," Alfred said warningly, but with a joking tone.

"Say that to-" Ivan cut his sentence short, as he realised that perhaps mentioning business that technically really shouldn't be under Alfred's jurisdiction would arouse suspicions. "To the dishwasher, that you have yet to fill from last night. Instead of blaming me for making food in actual plates."

Alfred remembered himself, and huffed. "You still could have just used recyclable plates, just sayin' I wasn't in the mood for _dish-washing_."

"What was that you said-"

"Anyway!" Alfred cut off, as if he hadn't heard Daniel's beginning of a question. "Any stories you guys wanna share?"

And they managed to pull the conversation back onto less dangerous tracks.

"Oh! Ivan's gotta remember this one - you were there - remember that one time?" Alfred was already laughing, and Ivan had no idea about what Alfred was on about.

"You'll have to be more specific."

"When you and I were both in that plane, and - and you decided, you - oh my God," Alfred was wheezing.

"What did he do?" Daniel asked, trying to make sense of what Alfred was getting at, while Ivan's memory flashed back to the day and he almost burst laughing.

"I jumped out of the plane without a parachute," Ivan completed, before both he and Alfred laughed, Alfred managing the words 'vodka' and 'soft snow' before Ivan remembered their company. He hoped the two, very much _human_ people, wouldn't notice.

"How are you alive?!" Andrew asked, incredulous.

Both countries froze up. "He," Alfred started. "He was hospitalised-"

"But how is he alive?" Daniel repeated, almost staring at Ivan.

Ivan remembered the boy had said he was specialising in aerospace defence. Of course he would know about the technical aspects of jumping out of a plane.

"I - er - did have a parachute _with_ me," Ivan attempted.

"He just…" Alfred tried.

"I just didn't open it very early, I _thought_ I didn't have one," Ivan finished.

"He got a broken leg and a couple fingers and-"

"There was at least a rib involved. And a concussion," Ivan was listing the most basic injuries he could think of, and hoped they wouldn't ask too many more questions.

It was then that Alfred checked his watch and gasped. "Ivan, dude, the time! Man, sorry we gotta cut this short, but Ivan and I gotta run, we're having some family over tonight," Alfred explained, and the other two looked slightly dumbstruck by the very high-speed exchanges that had occurred.

"Oh, 'course!" Andrew said. "I'll see you Monday then, yeah?"

"Yeah, totally!" Alfred stood, and Ivan did the same, giving hasty goodbyes before directing himself, Alfred and their bags to the exit. Only once they were outside did they pause for a minute.

" _That_ was _real damn close,_ " Alfred said.

"It has been a while since I have been in the company only of humans, long enough to have a conversation. I'm sorry if I traumatised them."

"Nah, man, I led you to it. I sure got some explaining to do at work, though," Alfred chuckled. "C'mon, let's go, we do have a lot to do."

"I think they might think I am some kind of living dead," Ivan joked as they made their way to Alfred's car, before loading all the bags into the trunk and driving off.

"Well, not like that's any different from anyone else, now, is it?"

Ivan chuckled, pulling out his phone. He groaned. "I forgot to answer the e-mail."

Alfred glanced over, smiling. "Was it anything important?"

"Slightly." Ivan sighed, beginning to type out a response. "My boss was wondering where I'd vanished to a week before the scheduled meeting."

Alfred laughed and nearly swerved slightly. "You didn't tell him?! And you tell me I'm childish!"

"Just drive," Ivan muttered.

He could already smell the food he was going to cook for Alfred today, and considered on how best to approach telling his boss to kindly allow him some respite for the holiday.


End file.
